Monday, May 9, 2011

Zombie Activism

My second eldest son Peter has been asking me to post about his favorite activist topic for a while now. He thinks it’s important to raise awareness of this pressing issue and see if he can generate some interest in formatting a plan for a worse case scenario. The topic dearest to Peter's heart is the  Zombie Apocalypse. Before you scoff at the notion I would ask you to consider thoughtfully the following questions he posed to me in order to clearly point out how unprepared I actually was for such a calamity. The knowledge was a rude awakening; I have been working on a game plan since that time and would urge you to consider doing likewise:
  • Do you know the origins of zombies?
  • Did you know the virus is both airborne and contracted tacitly?
  • Do you know how to ‘kill’ a zombie?
  • Would you know how to react if a zombie were coming after you or your family?
  • Have you prepared adequate shelter and preparations for the above scenarios just in case?
  • Would you be willing to kill a loved one should they become infected by the virus?

I thought not. Thankfully, Peter has done an awful lot of leg work for you already and is willing to share his hard earned information for the sake of the preservation of our species. In fact he took a writing course this year and after weeks of grueling assignments on detailed topic matters he was finally able to write on whatever topic he desired. He chose, very thoughtfully- The Zombie Apocalypse

First -the origin of the Zombie. Fred and I have hotly debated this topic and have never really settled our dispute. I am pretty certain that Zombies are probably distantly related to the Sleestak and somehow made it through to our planet only to combine their genetics with a half dead human; while Fred feels strongly that the Zombies originate on this planet and share the DNA of the Blob. In any case there is no real point in arguing over things that cannot be settled definitively at this time so we’ll let you draw your own conclusions.  The infecting virus not only kills the body of its victim and hi-jacks it to find other victims, but it also eats the victim from the inside while it is yet working for its host.

The real issue of course is not how they came to be, but what is to be done should Z-Day arrive and start spreading rapidly through parts of our society. Science has taught us that even though they are slow moving; the nature of the threat is that it multiplies at a steady rate causing the population of Zombies to advance slowly and methodically until there is no escape.

The main body of Peters theory is that if Zombies do attack our way of life, the safest place to be is your local Wal-Mart. When he first told me this plan I scoffed, Wal -Mart is not exactly what I would consider the best place to be for any type of emergency scenario but after hearing what he had to say I was convinced he had a well thought out plan. We already know that Wal-Mart has all of our basic needs covered and would provide adequate shelter (which we would need for a few weeks to perhaps a month or two).It is difficult to determine how long it might take to starve off the Zombies for a true measure of safety to return to society. Certainly you can get food and drink there easily enough, but you can also find ways to cook the very food you need for survival by simply heading to the sporting goods section and picking up propane stove. There are camping supplies like sleeping bags and tents; they also have a variety of weapons ranging from guns and ammo to an assortment of knives, and bows and arrows.

Peter also believes you may be able to ride out the zombie invasion by closing the metal roll doors that happen to be conveniently located in the lawn and garden centers which already provide a formidable zombie defense due to  their black metal and impenetrable to Zombie gating. Roof access would be ideal so that sniper style attacks could be leveled against the invading force. The Zombies are slow moving and clumsy enough to be foiled by the door and would probably not be able to manage both entering and attacking simultaneously.  If it is a ‘wait it out’ scenario Wal-Mart is already equipped with bathrooms that could handle a small town of folks, and they also happen to have 'AXE' Peters favorite personal body shield (I mean deodorant) alongside soap and shampoo and even wipes and diapers for the next generation of fighters.

 The Code-Adam lock down would be the ideal alarm system for alerting those of us lucky enough to make it to a Wal–Mart in time of the zombies approach.  It is a long held belief that to kill a Zombie you need to cut off its head, but that is debatable. Personally, I don’t think it possible to kill something already dead but my critics will argue with me. In the realm of life and death Zombies clearly have the advantage over humans. This may be hard to acknowledge but I certainly feel a realistic approach is our best defense.

Tonight Peter said that in a perfect world, we’d have small army of armored Humvees with turrets to mobilize our forces as we move from Wal-Mart to Wal-Mart rescuing fellow survivors. The problem with that naturally is how we could afford all the vehicles.  At least we have a small game plan. I hope some of you will share your thoughtful insights should the day of reckoning happen sooner rather than later. While I know this is a spirited debate, I would ask for a respectful dialogue no matter what your particular thoughts or leanings might be. Thanks again Peter for sparking the discussion. 



  1. Dear Peter,

    Your Zombie Quiz is laughably easy to someone raised on zombie movies, but I’ll play along.
    1. From secret government experiments. Or aliens. Or secret government experiments on aliens. Or who the heck* knows.
    2. Duh. Also blood-borne. And saliva-borne.
    3. Shoot them. Set them on fire. Decapitate them. Run them over with a car, preferably a large American gas-guzzler to prove the theory of American exceptionalism. I don’t believe that they don’t come out during the day, despite evidence from Omega Man and I Am Legend. Please. They’re the Living Dead, not the Undead.
    4. Panic. Hiding. Crying uncontrollably.
    5. Half a case of Pinot Noir, a freezerful of Stouffer’s French bread pizzas (both pepperoni and Supreme), gallon of bottled water of uncertain age or provenance, some batteries, reciprocal verbal contract with cat that none of us will turn the others into a zombie.**
    6. Your pronoun/verb agreement is faulty: I would be prepared to kill a loved one should HE OR SHE become infected. Let’s not lose our heads and forget correct grammar just because we’re being attacked by brain-eating hordes.

    *I am refraining from my natural potty mouth so as not to offend.
    **Dates to third season of Buffy—the one with the evil African mask that turned a bunch of people and at least one cat into zombies. It’s a pretty durable contract—ten-odd years and we haven’t turned on one another. Yet.

    Wal-Mart is an excellent idea: They plan to reintroduce gun sales to many of their stores, and if you can get to a Super Wal-Mart, they have large appliances, so you won’t be dependent on camp stoves to cook. Remember to eat the refrigerated food first. Contrary to what your mom is telling you, it’s going to be more than a couple of months (cf., I Am Legend, Omega Man, Zombieland). I’m not sure why your mom is concerned about how we could “afford” Humvees: Society is in total meltdown—I’m pretty sure you can just take one. Their terrible gas mileage is more of a problem. Stopping to refill leaves you open to attack.

    This whole zombies coming from Sleestacks or the Blob is absurd. I think your parents may be zombies. Their reasoning exhibits a clear lack of brain function, almost as if someone had eaten their brains.

    Your first cousin once removed Margaret

    P.S. Have you seen Black Sheep? New Zealand sheep zombies. Sublime.

  2. YES! I agree with what you wrote! who would need to buy a humvee when everyones dead? who are these people? haha! and yes, the whole "undead" thing came from john paul, i agree that they are living dead.


  3. Hmmm... this requires more thought on my part. I must admit, I try not to think of these dreadful things, what with one apocolyptic scenario rearing its ugly head after another.

    Peter... quite a guy, though. He suggested I use "claymores" to deter the neighbors who slashed my tires (I didn't actually know what claymores were... so innocent. My Army Ranger husband had to fill me in). Peter's obviously pro-active and prepared in situations that I would not be as familiar with.

    I'll think more on the Zombie invasion thing.