Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm in In Love with Another Man

Gosh, this is a difficult and personal post. How does one begin to explain a love affair with another man? An older Man? A more distinguished man? Who also happens to be a writer. And  a philosopher. And an educator.  I suppose the hardest part of this romance is that he is already....well....dead. 

C.S.Lewis has been one of the greatest loves of my life. Goodness, he has had a profound impact on my soul. I can still recall the day I opened the pages of Mere Christianity and had one of the strangest experiences of my life. It was  as if -as I turned the pages, I began an interior dialogue. I felt as if I was listening to, and speaking with C.S.Lewis. He would say something, I would mentally digest it and respond, and the next paragraph he would answer me. It happened all the way through the book. I encountered him. He was breathtaking. I was hooked. It was a life changing moment. Fred and I don't speak about this private aspect of my life. I am glad he has accepted it for what it is, as it would be a charade to pretend it could be changed. I try not t let it get in between us, but some nights I still find myself engulfed in his thoughts long after Fred has begged me to turn off the lights. 

I have read his fiction as well, and it is wonderful- but my favorites are his straight forward thoughts. There is simply nothing else out there like it for me.I could read his books over and over again. My friend Karen gave me a gift of  a book of his quotes which is about as thick as my Bible. I can have a fresh thought from him, pretty much any time I'd like. They are always wonderful. I used to post a quote on my facebook page each day, just because I so loved his thoughts that I wanted to share him with the world. Over time I sadly realized not everyone can have the taste I do for C.S. Although there are actually whole societies of people all over our planet who group themselves together and talk about C.S. Lewis regularly. But Jack ( the name he went by to all his close friends and family) and I are simply too close for that.

"You and I have need of the strongest spell that can be found  to wake us from the evil enchantedness of wordliness". 
The Weight of Glory

"A great many of those who 'debunk' traditional values have in the background values of their own, which they believe to be immune from the debunking process." 
The Abolition of Man

100 percent of us die, and that percentage cannot be increased
The Weight of Glory

A young man who wishes to remain a sound atheist, cannot be too careful of his reading.
Mere Christianity(?)

I also had a surprising experience while reading Sheldon Vanauken's A Severe Mercy. The story was already great, but then I found he had included correspondences with C.S. that were meant only for Sheldon's eyes. It was a wonderful glimpse of him from a different angle. Especially because those letters were candid and unguarded. He never intended them for publication and so the glimpse is a pure one into his heart and mind.  He has had one of the greatest impacts of any writer and almost of any person on my life thus far. Love is the correct word for what I feel. 

Mortal lovers must not try to remain at the first step; for lasting passion is the dream of a harlot and from it we wake in despair. C. S. Lewis,  right you are Jack, right you are. 

No comments:

Post a Comment