Thursday, September 1, 2011

GUEST POST: Zombie Rebuttal

Tonight's post is a rebuttal from Dr. Paige. As I had previously suggested, much more thought on the Zombie Apocalypse was going on than originally revealed. I  received this rebuttal from Dr. Hochschild last night and let her know I would post it for my readers so they could make their own decisions. So without further ado, I give you Dr. Hochschilds work for consideration:

Five reasons why I will head to Target when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, and not Walmart

  1. On the question of guns: having seen a preview of Black Ops: Resurrection (or however it is spelled, Peter),* there is no question that the kind of firepower available at your local Walmart will be barely adequate to pump enough metal into the brains of the oncoming living dead, quickly enough; they do not sell automatic weapons or handguns (except in Alaska).  That said, I suppose it is a comfort that, in hard times, Walmart is bringing guns back to more than 500 US stores in an attempt to capitalize on cultural fear and stimulate sales. Nevertheless, I say, this is not a strong enough argument to make Walmart your first stop.  Head to the armory first, and then go hide out at Target, and enjoy those Archer Farms Salt and Vinegar chips.

  2. For atmosphere, specifically, lighting. Have you noticed that Walmarts are all illuminated with very bare, unflattering light, that gives the whole store a dingy feel, and physically depresses. This effect is deliberate, and apparently studies show that the cheaper a place feels, the more likely people are to think that they are getting a better deal. But the reality is the opposite: Target is cheaper
    And if you look at studies over time, you will notice price variations, different in different communities: initially, they price key “anchor” items a few cents less than other businesses, such as diapers and milk, then raise them slowly; many things I have shopped for are just not cheaper there, but read the article for yourself; admittedly it depends on what you buy.
    But back to lighting: it seems to me that Target’s warmer feel, and soothing lighting, will make it easier to remain hidden from any zombies that may enter the store, giving one a better chance of escape or concealment. Moreover, it is hard to keep your spirits up when your loved ones are trying to eat your flesh. Go with the warm lighting.

  3. For food: it’s just way better at Target. End of argument—did I mention the salt and vinegar chips? And the fruit snacks? Spend your last days as a human enjoying the need for sustenance: affirm the theology of your body.
  4. Fashion: if the end is near, go out in style—ok, its a little young for me, all those bikinis. But there is great stuff on all those clearance racks, cheap stuff for boys.
    I am not going on here about how Walmart has lead the way in turning away from American manufacturing, sourcing over 91% of their products from China: that is good capitalism, right? Down with American manufacturing! Nor do I care that Walmart has recently settled several lawsuits, revealing the practice of forcing people to work off-clock, and forbidding 5-minute breaks. Nor do I give credence to the story on the Early Show breaking the news that Walmart has been found cheating on gift receipts, returning to customers less than the value of the original item purchased; resolution unknown as of yet. But, ladies, come on, that “George” clothing line offers nothing for us, while Target has many of its own in-store lines, with interesting designs, some good quality fabric, nice colours. Surely you have all watched Zombieland. CUTE GIRLS! Fight the good fight.... with style—nice jeans, lots of mascara, and so on.

  5. Toilets: they are clean and great, even for changing diapers. If I am going to hunker down somewhere for weeks while civilization collapses, I want to start with a clean slate, by which I mean, an un-sticky toilet seat. Everyone knows zombies are drawn to filth, so stay away from Walmart toilets.

This guy makes the argument that criminals and low-lifes hang out at Walmart; that is just so discriminatory! But if it were true, then surely zombies would hang out there too?
And as to Mr. Frederick Legare's argument that hiding at a place with a large, red target symbol in front is just asking for the zombies to attack, I say: first, everyone knows zombies are colorblind, and second, if they perceive the symbol as having to do with aggression, they may well be afraid, even associating it with laser-guidance systems on many sophisticated rifles.

The end.

*BlackOps. Rezurrection

1 comment:

  1. Hey first things first zombie's are not color blind.