Friday, September 28, 2012

The War on Stinkbugs

Forget about the proverbial war on women. We are engaged in a full battle with the stinkbug varmint. Fred is fully engaged  and readying the troops as we speak. This is actually surprising to me. Really? I though there was a stink bug apocalypse last year that you hated?Why then does this behavior surprise you Ellen, when all the Ellenopians are at risk? Why you ask?

Well, you see, last year before our addition was completed we had an enormous stinkbug infestation in our town. Because the house was widely opened in parts, due to the new construction we became a virtual stink bug magnet. It was (in Tigger speak) G-R-doubleO- GROSS!!!

When a situation is that bad and there is fat little you can actually do about it at that moment, Fred chose to do the only logical thing he could. Ignore them. Each day while the children and I became completely grossed out by these noxious creatures, Fred pretty much looked around like "huh? stinkbugs? What stinkbugs?". As a result of this incredibly manly attitude, we all became totally paranoid.I spent one entire afternoon in my kitchen trying to develop a mint based spray to rid us of these creatures.I prayed regularly to be delivered from the scourge they are. Once the work on the house was done though, the stinkbugs didn't stand a chance.We are practically hermetically sealed over here in the E-burg. There were no more opening or crevices for them to enter our awesome new abode.
So, a few weeks ago the stinkbug season returned. You cannot leave your house without being assaulted by a dozen or so. You better not squash them, or they will do what their name implies- STINK. But considering they can only get into our house through open doors, its a fairly easy situation to monitor.

Until Fred came home. This season he will not tolerate even ONE stray stink bug.He has morphed into the likeness of the minutemen border patrol agents in capturing stinkbugs this Fall.  He is in ready mode at all times. He swats them with a flyswatter, but just to stun them, before whisking them outside, and leveling the deadly blow. He got his industrial sized shop vac tonight after sealing every crevice on our screened porch and sucked them all up from every nook and cranny of the house. All ten of them. Forget about the thousands that were allowed to roam free in years past, these suckers now were going to pay! Except there is no real threat here any longer. Maybe some other houses are experiencing a stinkbug apocalypse, but it aint us. We have been left behind.

As Shakespeare once said  "Methinks he doth protest too much."

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