Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Causes of Pregnancy

I think I have mentioned in some other post already how often people make comments about our family size  and  say funny things ( at least they think it’s funny) about 'how this happened’, as if there one way and one way only to conceive a child. What absolute foolishness that is. They whisper among themselves and make silly faces thinking they have it all figured out. Little do they know Fred and I have made a study of this over the last 17(almost 18) years. We  have developed a very accurate system for conceiving children that is flawless in its methodology, even if it is not-as yet-scientifically provable. I will list the top five ‘additional  causes of pregnancy’ below and I defy any of you to provide empirical data stable enough to refute it.


#1 Give away your maternity clothes- this phenomenon has happened to me a few times actually, I pack up my maternity clothes and drive them over to the thrift store for some other poor naïve young Mom to wear,( Did I mention I hate maternity clothes? How can a giant grape possibly look good?) only to discover  weeks later I am actually expecting again. To add insult to injury I then proceed to return to the same thrift store to buy back my own maternity clothes and realize the poor mother I was laughing at was none other than, yours truly.

#2 Donating your crib- Actually a lot of women have figured this one out. At least a lot of them remark they know that it works this way. (It may in fact possibly be related to the maternity clothes give away mentioned above, but I am unable to support a correlation between the two at the publishing of these findings.) I am pretty sure that the fertility gods feel it necessary for you to hold onto your crib for at least a few years after fertility ceases in order to be eligible to give away any baby items at all, or else you will find yourself immediately in need of those same items. 

#3 Have a stork visit your yard. OK I think I am going to ask my wonderful friend Mary Anne to weigh in on this one as evidence, as she was present to witness both times. Twice now my neighbor Najida who lives on the other side of the pond on our road, has seen very early in the morning, a stork perched in our yard. On both occasions when she saw the bird she went in and told her husband Esmir that ‘Ellie must be pregnant’ and sure enough, I was. (*note to self, buy bird shot)

#4 HVAC work-Yes, you read that right. HVAC,  as in Heating –Ventilation- Air Conditioning. Who would have even thought the HVAC system would have anything at all to do with biological realities? It turns out  through some defect in the duct work, if the heating system in your house fail's you are highly likely to conceive during the power failure. Oh Joy, now I don’t simply have to worry about my own plumbing but   the housing units as well.
#5 Make a concerted effort  to use NFP. OK at baby # 8  for the first time we made the effort to go and sit down with my friend Sarah who teaches NFP. (Natural Family Planning for those of you in the dark). Sarah took a good amount of time to explain the whole ‘womanly cycle’ thing. What a great talk we had. I went home and called her a few weeks later –pregnant. So baby #9 was born; we decided it was a really good idea to ‘slow things down a bit’ then. So while I was still nursing the baby,  we talked about which model of NFP we’d try out, and then my feet started to swell. That may mean nothing to you, but to me it is a sign of pregnancy. I told Fred this, who insisted that was not possible. I told him again, he insisted it was not possible. I told him a third time, and while he still insisted it was not possible, he also said he might as well buy a pregnancy test to show me how wrong I was definitively. Helllloooo Sophie!


  1. Are you trying to tell us something????!!!! Hysterical post, by the way! I was just about to give away all my maternity and baby clothes, but I might reconsider!

  2. Hmmm...I think you are getting at something. The part about buying your maternity clothes back really made me laugh (and it is very hard to make me laugh before 10 am).

  3. For us El, a true way to get pregnant is to get to the final stage of adopting a child and get two kids for the price of one LOL xoxo