Thursday, April 18, 2013

A Bittersweet Dream

Dreams can sometimes have meaning. Not always, but sometimes they can. Those meanings can be important. I had a dream a few nights ago. It was very powerful. So powerful, it has been too much for me to say out loud, or put into words til now. Here goes:

I was in a very crowded room, some sort of party going on around me. People were standing shoulder to shoulder and chatting furiously.  I was trying to get my bearings and figure out where I was.Suddenly,through the crowd I saw my Mother. I was immediately elated. How could this be! I pushed through people so I could go and speak to her. When I got close enough I put my arms around her to hug her, but as I pulled back I saw I was hugging one of my sisters instead. My sister looked surprised by my hug, as if it was unexpected, and then smiled softly back, and returned the hug to me warmly. I turned from her confused and then caught another glimpse of my mother through the crowd and the  feeling to rush after her would return  and propel me forward. Once again I would  catch up to her and reach out to hug her only to find I was holding instead one of my sisters, Jacqueline, Celine, Bernadette, Teresa, Angela, Nancy. When I had finally encountered them all, I began to realize I was dreaming and that my Mom had already died. I was so low. 

No sooner had I realize that she was really gone, than I found myself , still dreaming, in another crowd. This time it was a thinner group. There was chatter but it was not so loud, and seemed really quite happy. I recognized that I was in our old house in Uniondale, the one I moved from when I was still quite young. As I looked around me I recognized that it was my sister Nancy's wedding day. The backyard was filled with people all celebrating and joyful. I was my current age of 42, but everyone around me was the age they would have been at that time. No one seemed to notice my presence as I moved quietly about. And then I heard her voice. my Mothers voice. She was laughing and chatting with someone. She was close-by, in the very yard I stood. I remembered again that I was asleep, and tried to prepare myself for the disappointment, but began moving toward the voice just so I could get a glimpse of her face one more time. As I passed a few people, her voice grew stronger. Finally, I saw her sitting on the edge of a lounge chair in a beautiful white summery dress. She was in her mid to late 40's. She was smiling so brightly and  talking so happily and the familiarity of her person washed over me repeatedly. I stood for as long as  I could watching her, knowing it was a dream, and yet wanting to stay in it. Finally I could not hold back any more and I began to walk toward her. When I got close enough  I stood at the edge of her chair.I began to speak but did so haltingly so as not to wish her away unwittingly  "Mom, I know I am dreaming, I know you aren't really here in my dream, but I just wanted to stop... and tell you that I love you...and hold your hand one more time" and as I said the words, I knelt down beside her and reached out for her hand. It slipped into mine, and as it did she turned to look at me... and I awoke. 

1 comment:

  1. What a gift, Ellie! And what a wonderful reminder that she lives on in you and your sisters! She must have been a wonderful woman. But then I already knew that because of the type of amazing wife and Mom you are today.
    Much love,