Its hard to believe my Mom has already been gone for a week. Time is a blur for me currently, full of strange feelings and old memories, mixed in with my normal life's daily work. I know its harder, it simply has to be, on some of my siblings who spent so much time caring for my Mom these last few years. She was a daily part of their existence and my siblings are wonderful generous souls. Never did their hearts shine as well as when my Mom really needed them. It humbled me ( and still does) to see the devotion they showed her.
Mom's memory had been failing for a few long years. Conversations grew limited, and circular, and gentler. My brothers and sisters grew so very patient and as a matter of fact, so did all their children who tenderly understood my Moms changing needs and silently adapted themselves to it despite the young ages some of them were.
But the last few days for me have reminded me of how happy I am to share be able to speak to her again. Isn't that funny? The dementia forced us all to let go of pieces of my Mother through the years slowly, almost imperceptibly at first. Then it built momentum. I know it was hard on her too. But my Mom also had a great sense of humor and she never lost that. An evening, when she was with me last summer she mentioned the struggle one night:
"Ellie, its hard to get old." I hugged her and replied
"Yes, it is, but don't forget its hard to be young too Mom. Life is just hard no matter what age you are."
And she chuckled and said "Yes, you're right but do you know what I think is hard about getting old?"
"What Mom?" I asked
There was a long pause and she sighed.
I waited a moment longer and said "Well?"
And she looked back up at me startled and said :
"Wait a minute, what was the question again?"
to which we both burst out laughing.
The last two days I have caught myself beginning to speak to her in complete thoughts all over again. I talk to her about more then the weather. I don't even think to ask her about her health. I speak to her about my children, and my wonderful husband, about my amazing siblings, and about my life. I don't keep things from her any longer that might worry her. My heart feels free with her once more. I said goodbye last week, and I am learning in my sorrow and in prayer to say hello all over again.
I am so grateful my mother was a woman of faith. I am so grateful to share that same faith which carries me back to her even now.