The path is forward

I haven't written in a long time. Life catches up with you. The good thing about keeping a blog is that it is always there, just a keystroke away. So here I am sitting quietly in my living room after midnight,the only quiet time I ever get, approaching our last week of school for the 2020 year in the midst of a pandemic.


And I am well.

I write that last sentence not as a boast,but  because it is hard for me to believe it is true. You see, for the last 10+ years, I have suffered on and off from an anxiety disorder. I get, at times, crippling panic attacks. I worry. I shut down. I shake. I cry. I think and think until I can't think anymore and my brain exhausts itself. Never one to pretend things that are happening to me aren't really true,  I have always been honest with my family and friends about my anxiety. I also spent a few years in counseling working my way through my own brain and how to manage the hiccups and tantrums it sometimes throws at me. Occasionally with medicine,though mostly without. In the last year or so, my anxiety had notably decreased. Not gone, but I really knew how to handle it now and that is genuinely something to be happy about.

Then the pandemic hit. And I waited for my whole life to fall apart. Surely, someone so prone to panic woulod succumb to the infernal treachery of this awful pandemic? I would most definitely suffer setbacks, right? But that didn't happen. Instead I found myself able to move through and cope and reason with my daily life in ways I had never dreamed  possible before.It appears that 10+ years of anxiety has innoculated me.

The more I spoke with family and friends, the more I realized that the whole world was having  a worldwide panic attack, only they didn't have the tools to deal with it, because it was new to all of them, but not to me and my anxious brain. Person afte person would call and ask how I was and I would tell them and ask in return, only to be met with existential fear and uncertainty. I was stunned- not because I didn't understand, but because I understood so deeply!

That angst I had felt for so long....the questions that linger and hang over your mind....the doubts about tomorrow....or next week....or next year....the scenarios that play on you about work, and children and health and faith....gosh they can be tormenting. Suddenly they were on everyones lips, but not my own.

For ten years I would muster the courage to say things out loud like ....

What if I get cancer and die?

What will I do if one of my kids die?

What will happen if my husband dies?

What will become of my kids if I die?

What if the church continues to collapse?

What if there is no more work?

What if someone in my family doesn't die but gets terribly hurt?

what if there is an economic collapse?

what if???

what if???

what if???

If you have suffered anxiety, you know how debilitating it can be. If you have not, you may be getting a taste of it right now and I'm sure you'll agree its brutal.

So here are some things I have learned that may be of help to you right now. They are all simple and you've heard them before, but maybe haven't yet actually tried them. The path through this pandemic is going to look for you and me, alot like the path out of anxiety. That path is forward.

First- take a deep breath. I mean right now. While you're reading take a deep breath and recognize that you are actually breathing. That means you're alive and when youre brain is telling you the world is going to end, and the media is helping it out, its good to remember those very basic things.

Next- ask yourself what you are most afraid of and get yourself to say it out loud to another human being. Holding your fears in the dark is not helpful. Shine some light on them. I used to worry that if I said them out loud they'd be more likely to come true, but that turns out to be a lie. So go ahead and name things, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.


Next, ask yourself what your job is for this day. Not tomorrow, not next week. When you are suffering anxiety, its is ridiculously important to stay in the moment as anxiety is a time stealer. It robs you of your present and future by borrowing and inserting troubles that don't belong there.

Once you figure out what your job is for this day- begin. You don't have to do all of it, but begin. Take small steps. Focus on the task at hand. Make a dinner. Do some laundry. Make the bed. Teach one lesson. Go for a walk. Keep moving forward. Anxiety can trap us if we allow it to. That usually happens when we are idle. Our minds wander and soon enough we are imagining worst case scenarios. Just do the next right thing.

Be courageous. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I had to actually face my fears in order to get through them. There is no other way. The monster under the bed needs looking at to be proved he is not there. Tell someone what you are afraid and figure out what dealing with it looks like.

Are you afraid of lost work?- okay- taht is real, maybe you've lost your job. Thats awful and you need to feel upset and sad and acknowledge that- but also think of a game plan for when you may be able to find somthing new, or change fields, or do something temporary until things look better. The point being not to let oneawful thing defeat you, or have a snowball effect on your whole life. Take a sgtep forward and confront that fear and you'lll make progress. If you stand up to one fear and start working on it, in time it may resolve or a new opportunities may open up. Begin with setting a plan.

Don't try to do it by yourself. One of my greatest strengths while I was dealing with anxiety was being able to acknowledge it to others, and even laugh about it. It takes the sting out of so much when you can crack a joke at your own expense as we all take ourselves too seriously.Talking to my family and friends has literally saved me countless times ( THANK YOU!) over the years.

Pray. Remember that God has a plan for your life. He is ordered and precise, and most importantly, He is on your team. He wants to see you succeed. It is not a mistake that He has allowed to you to be born in this place and time, it is His design. Trust that He knows what He is doing and that He can bring order our of the chaos of your life and of your brain.

You have this day. Be not afraid. Enter it with joy. The world around you needs you!

One more sleep

Only one more sleep til we see you!

We've had a beautiful few weeks in Italy catching glimpses of this country. All of us feel so satisfied by the visit. You can't know a whole culture just by visiting it, most of the time not even by living there, unless it's for a long while. But the glimpses we have seen reveal so much beauty and gentleness that our spirits are really lifted up.It rained here today, first time all trip. Since it was super hot when we woke, it was a blessing because it cooled the earth down. We were walking in Pordenone when the showers came and we were able to duck into a little alcove to stay dry. It bordered a parking garage, but you would've thought it was a secret garden instead. There were roses growing up and wisteria hanging down, and rain falling all around us. The sound of the rain on the brickwork streets was lighter then on the roads at home, I didn't realize that would matter to my ears but it did. It has felt like each day is a small feast for our souls as we take in new places and foods and people.

Honeysuckle is so sweet

It's growing on nearly every street

Today's a harder day on both Abbie and Pete as parting just isn't easy. Dad and I have done our best to keep them preoccupied, but we also remember how hard it was to be apart, and there's no getting away from it. Still, the engagement is hopeful and helpful.

Two young hearts

Of course dad and I don't want to leave Peter but, but, but, we get to come home to our favorite people tomorrow! What you haven't realized is that while we were away, when we saw fun things that reminded us of you, we actually got them! So tonight you can go to sleep wondering about what interesting little trinkets we will have for you to unwrap. I think we got something for everyone...I sure hope I didn't miss anyone of you...with so many kids maybe I forgot one?  (it makes me laugh to write that.) Do you know how many times people ask dad and  me that question for real? I wonder if they  think it could truly happen? As if the times we have had  here together is somehow not part of what we have as a whole family. I mean I know that Peter was the only real family member in Afghanistan last year, but weren't we all there too most days and nights? It seemed so to me, and I know how many days it did to you too .

And now tomorrow we get the chance to bring pieces of Italy back to you, not just in boxes and bags, but mainly in stories and pictures and reminders we have now to tell you about until it's your own turn to visit a special place and tell us all about it.

Sweet dream. See you tomorrow!
Love,
Mom and Dad

How do you say "snarky" in Italian?

Hi kiddos! We made our last trip to Venice today. We had planned to get up early and head to Trieste, but when we woke up, we all realized how wiped out we were and readjusted for Venice. The weather is now hot and summery, and honestly, we just love Venice. Plus, I hadn't seen St Lucy yet or actually visited St Marks tomb.

So we took it slow, ate along the way and just checked out whatever our hearts desired. St Lucy is incorrupt so we headed to that church first. The doors were locked, but also glass, so you can  set up a visit with prayer cards an offering etc right from the front which we did.

Then we took a water bus to St Marks and waited on a miraculously short line to visit the tomb of the apostle. The church is a masterpiece, but I was mostly in saint mode today so lots of candles and prayer time. We had a chance to venerate St Marks tomb which was such a blessing.

Afterwards we had an early dinner then visited Santa Maria Gloriosa friary and we're all mesmerized by the art work and statuary reliefs. If it sounds like we visited alot of churches, let me try to put it into perspective for you. Our guide told us there are 180 Catholic churches in Venice wit 60 of them currently operational (the others are either being restored or are museums). We saw about 10 since we arrived. Each one is a little gem of history and art. It's just a heavenly place.

Our train ride home was...interesting and the reason for the blog post title. Dad had been a little overheated today and was happy when he finally got onto the train home. In fact he put his feet up across from me cause he was so tired and just not feeling himself. A few minutes went by and a woman came walking down the aisle, she looked like she worked for the train company. She stopped and asked dad "excuse me, can I sit here?" To which dad immediately replied "of course" and sat up to make room. She followed up with "do you think I want to sit there if your feet have been on the seat?" Her tone was awful, her demeanor worse, and quite frankly-she hadn't anticipated Dad. (when I heard her starting I thought gosh it's time to buckle up, dad is not gonna do well and we're gonna get kicked off the train. You know and I know, that Dad doesn't take smac talk from anyone, unfortunately, this woman did not). Before she could take a breath he returned fire "you do know if you wanted me to put my feet down, you could have asked me instead of talking to me like you were going to teach me some schoolboy lesson?" She stammered on about the seat, Peter sat up wide eyed to listen closer, "it is not our custom" She tried to say before dad went at it again. "Okay, then you should have said so instead of being so rude" (She actually was really rude, and quite frankly the only person in Italy that has been in the last 14 days, not bad stats at all). She kept muttering things under her breath as if to regain some of the lost footing she had just suffered. Finally dad just took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eye and said "what's the Italian word for snarky?" She huffed and walked off. When she went to the next car laughter broke out all over. Peter and Abbie almost split their sides laughing. 3 stops later she was getting off the train herself and as she left she called out to dad "I am polite!" To which he called back "sure you are!" And Abbie added "and I'm six feet tall!"  causing a fresh round of laughter as the doors closed.

Lignano Beach

Hi All!

I'm so happy you're all going to the drive in tonight. That sounds like a fun time, I hope the movie is good.

I told you in yesterday's post that Dad had the idea to go to a beach. Abbie really liked that idea. Peter and I, not so much. You know I love the beach, but both Pete and I were a bit nervous about going to a new beach without chairs, umbrellas, towels etc. and just baking in the sun. Because Das and Abbie really wanted to, we both talked when they were out of the room and just agreed to make the best of it.

Wow. We were both so happy we did! We drove about an hour to Lignano Beach on the Adriatic Sea. It was 83 degrees with a warm breeze coming off the water. It smelled exactly like the beach at home except not as strong or salty. Dad said he thinks its because theres no crashing waves from the sea, like there is from the ocean. The sand is darker and much hotter on the feet, but finer too. We pulled up and parked with no trouble at all. In front of us were literally thousands of beach umbrellas and beautiful lounge chairs already set up. The beach was not at all crowded. The people we spoke to said July and August was the busiest time so we just happened on a really perfect sunny day to enjoy it.

Super nice umbrellas and chairs lined the whole beach

Pete and Abbie grabbed hot dogs at the stand

We weren't sure how the whole umbrella/lounge chairs thing worked, so we all just walked down to a spot we liked, set up and then went for a swim! The water was like a warm bath and really shallow (about knee deep) for the length of a football field. It was just a gorgeous day with lots of families and little ones swimming and sunbathing. We stayed in the water or in the beach chairs for a few hours.  Then Peter  asked if we wanted to go check out the town just as an Italian gentleman came to tell us we could buy tickets to use the lounge chairs and umbrellas. Of course we all started laughing because he is the first guy in all of Italy to ask us for a ticket. We've rode trains, buses, and water taxis all week and though we've bought tickets for everything, no one has checked anything at all. Dad and I keep scratching our heads wondering how they manage to do business this way. We didn't have a ticket and we were leaving, so he just said "no problem".

 We left and headed for the boardwalk. It is really similar to home and Ocean City. Arcades, shops, gelato, lemonade stands, line the streets. Of course, this made us miss you guys so much even as we were loving every minute. We stayed all day and had a late lunch/early dinner plus sundaes (these are the first sundaes we've seen in Italy. Gelato is everywhere but just cups or cones).

Sundaes!

The whole beach is set up this way

Coffee and gelato

Mary, dad thought you laugh at the mannequin. She has pants on her head (all of them did!)

Pete wondered if they knew what they actually naked this store?

Fresh lemonade!

We went to the pier at the end of the day and Dad watched some local men fishing. He probably could've stayed there a few more hours just watching them.

at the pier, watching the fishermen

Ordinary loveliness

Only a few days more til I get to hug and kiss you all and let you unwrap some presents! Thanks for being so good for John-Paul, Andy and Rachel. We miss you all more than you know. While it has been the trip of a lifetime, I'm so happy that my every day life is filled up with so much of you that I feel wealthy in love.

Dad talks about you so much and laughs and tells Peter and Abbie all the funny things you do. He's been so happy to have us to himself after two years of seperation.

Leaving Florence

Such a beautiful city

Today, we sadly left Florence. It's a toss up whether we like Venice or Florence better. I told dad I couldn't choose and he said not to bother-if I pick Venice he'll choose Florence and vice versa so we'd have both one  at the top of our list at all times. Sounds legit.

This pigeon thought he owned the train station

We did alot of travelling today, and all our connections were only minutes apart from each other, so we were on high alert all day, but we made it! We're back in Aviano and we went to the vigil mass just after we checked into our hotel. It's even a little nicer than the first rooms (which were really nice).

Tonight Peter took us to a local chicken place called BEFeD. It's strange sounding, especially for a chicken place, but it was really delicious. Its all natural and organic and the spices are pretty amazing. Pete says it's a chain and Abbie has wanted to try it since he told her about it.

We haven't eaten one bad thing here. Not one.

Afterwards, we walked all around Pordenone and just soaked in the ordinary loveliness of a small town in Italy. The streets smell so strongly here of flowers, almost exclusively honey-suckle. I wont ever smell it again without thinking of Italy-Rome especially.The culture is just beautiful here. People are out eating on the streets, and setting up tables for parties, and pouring wine. With so much alcohol around, I'd expect it to be wild, but it doesnt appear to be from what I've seen. And while there's alot of technology, I see less people overly connected to their phones which makes me happy.

I need one of these for the girls!

 a pop-up party and the streets are cordoned off 

A random government building, so pretty!

There's some talk tonight (dad and Abbie) about finding a beach. it's not my first choice of outings, but Dad always has good ideas so I just go along when he gets onto something like that-Pete is the same as mr.I'll let you know if it turns out ok.

Mostly today we've been talking about our family and we've decided that ordinary loveliness is a really good part of it. Can't wait to hug you all.
Love,
Mom and Dad