Embarrassment Trifecta

Tonight Fred had 'the talk' with the boys. "The talk' is pretty important isn't it? He had to work himself up to it for a while before he was able to get out all he needed to say. The perspiration was beading up on his brow . He began with :

"OK boys here are three things you should never, ever, ever , EVER say to a woman."

Oh, did you think I was going to start talking about the birds and bees? Come on people get your heads out of the gutter! Geesh, this is a family type blog after all.

He continued:

It makes no difference who they are, how long you have known them,or even if you are related to them. Just don't ever ask the following three questions:

#1 How old are you?

#2 How much do you weigh?

#3 When are you due?

He told them if they should mess up on any one of these questions and ask them, they were certain to be visited by the angry gods who would then force them to go through the Embarrassment Trifecta. He claims it's a  type of gauntlet test that men who have asked one of the three above questions at some point in their life, are forced to undergo in order to appease the divine female wrath.

It consists of being sent to the grocery store to purchase the following items:

#1 feminine products

#2 a pregnancy test

#3 baby diapers

Once you have had to buy all three, your male ego has been sufficiently damaged enough to have appeased their wrath. He thinks by giving the boys this information ahead of time, he will divert their course from the Embarrassment Trifecta. Perhaps he's right. Or maybe it is just some men's destiny...

The Right to Incite Violence

A few weeks ago the Supreme Court declared the rights of Westboro Baptist Church  to use the first amendment of our Constitution to publically harass and hurt members of our society mourning the loss of a son or daughter who has just paid the highest price  a human can pay to defend the freedoms we enjoy. I respectfully disagree with their decision. I have read the opinions and I understand the logic that informs these men and women who write law. Justice Alito was the sole dissenting opinion and I have read his remarks in full and urge you to do the same.

I do believe strongly in freedom of speech but I also believe in a higher law that tells me what these men and women do is  just plain WRONG. I will go so far as to call it blatantly sinful to treat any human being the way these noxious folks do. Justice Alito made the bold point of saying:

the nation’s commitment to free and open debate “is not a license for the vicious verbal assault that occurred in this case.”

  

Their treatment not only of our military but also of gay men and women, of those suffering from cancer, Catholics, the list seems endless- is painful for me to watch. The worst part is they claim to believe in God, and to follow him. (It is at this point I would love to be able to stand up and say I know Jesus Christ, I love Jesus Christ, and you Mr. Phelps are no follower of Jesus Christ).

Watching the supreme court make this decision was like watching a train wreck for me. We have become so smart as a nation, we're just plain dumb. How in God's name can we stand by and tell these families who are being assaulted at their own childs funeral that this is the very right their child fought and died for?  Have we all gone mad?

So I watched with interest as the king walked down the street with no clothes and wondered if anyone aside from myself and Justice Alito noticed or had enough nerve to say something.  Not a peep.

Lets do a split screen now. Turn your attention for a moment to the Middle East, Afganastan to be exact. Have you read the reports these last few days about Pastor Terry Jones who burned the Qu' ran? Did you read what happened half a world away because this pastor made that decision? Did you further read his behavior is being condemned by the US? I hope not the Supreme Court. There are at least 20 dead bodies lining the streets in Afghanastan, Muslims calling for the end of American Infidels and promising bloodshed and violence, and boy are they delivering.

But PLEASE all you leaders of this great Democractic Republic, please don't tell me now that that pastor shouldn't have done this. The time for telling people to shut up and sit down, passed you by while you sat in your long black robes telling Mr. Snyder his son's funeral was a place for the Westboro whackos to make a public display by spitting in his face with their vile comments and the face of every other  law abiding American citizen. Our Freedoms are being driven off a cliff and  are now serving the enemy. Using clever words, and legal tactics cannot make what is wrong, right. 

In my opinion Pastor Jones  and Fred Phelps are men cut from the same cloth. They hijack God and hurt men in the process. But they don't do it alone. They have the help of a bunch of fools who say the govern us. They hold their heads high citing statutes and clauses, while hearts are being torn asunder.

Any decent mother or father knows its time to take Fred Phelps and Pastor Jones out to the woodshed  by the ear for a talking to. They needed to be told loud and clear to sit down and shut up and that   the their world view of Christianity has failed the test of common sense, let alone adherence to the commandments. Each of our actions have consequences, and those consequences ripple like a stone in a pond affecting those far and wide. If we as a society condone such malicious behavior under the guise of freedom we denigrate the sacredness of that freedom rather then reinforce it. Thinking everyone in the world is going to be as foolish as we Americans are when it comes to trampling on the sacred  is ludicrous. The nation of Islam is proving that in Afghanistan tonight. Blood is being spilled  and passions running amuck  because someone in Florida not only didn't have enough sense ( or perhaps he did) to see how volatile his actions might be, but offended their view of the sacred and he had the backing of the US Constitution while doing so. 

Alito added: “The court now holds that the First Amendment protected [Westboro’s] right to brutalize Mr. Snyder. I cannot agree.” Me neither.

Jembro

My siblings all get a laugh at my mothers expense if we say the word Jembro out loud. Raising 12 children made my mother a big fan of five and dime stores when we were younger.Apparently, they were all the rage. You could pop in there and get just about anything really cheap. Household supplies, last minute gifts, beauty products- you name it. Eventually the five and dime stores went by the way side. But a new breed of them came into vogue not too long after. My Mom's favorite was called Jembro. Mostly she'd buy nicknack's for around the house. Holidays would have my Mom buying all types of decorations from Jembro to brighten the whole place up. I used to think it so odd she could have such fun running to Jembro and getting lost in the aisles among what appeared to be a whole lot of junk.

Now me, on the other hand, I have much more refined tastes.I love dollar stores. I mean the REAL dollar stores, where everything is actually- a Dollar. There are plenty of imitations around today that say they are dollar stores, but a quick peek inside tells you that's not really true. Don't let them fool you!Those kind of stores are fake dollar stores. They give the REAL dollar stores a bad name. They pretend everything inside is a dollar but it might not be, often it's way more ( like a $1.25- there is such thing as principle you know).REAL dollar stores are hard to find now a days.

There happens to be a REAL dollar store in Pennsylvania and I went there today. I cannot really believe how happy I can get going into one of these junky places, but its true, God help me, I do.Slowly but surely, I am turning into my Mother. I think it happened when I hit the tenth kid.I now LOVE dollar stores. I love finding arts and crafts items for the kids schooling, wrapping paper and supplies, bribes for the days when NO ONE wants to finish any work but they might if they are shown a package of army men, coloring books and crayons, hair clips and hair bands, candy, kitchen utensils like spatulas and wisks, and about a million other items all for a DOLLAR!

I will also tell you they happen to be the only place I know of where you can easily find the following items:

• fiddle faddle 

• nickel nips
• pop rocks
• The windshield wonder ( as seen on TV)
•  St Stanislaus votive candles ( just in case you were out)
•  34 copies of Bill Clintons MY LIFE.
•  the complete My Three Sons series (VHS).
•  And the last known copy of Night of The Comet

• A special attachment for your blender that churns butter
• 1 one sixth of a pound box- of 3 penny finish nails ( try saying that out loud 3X fast)

I never feel badly spending money in the dollar store. In fact it is one of the only places I go where I don't think at all about spending money and instead just pick up whatever I like in a most undisciplined fashion. I also allow whatever child that happened to be dragged along, to do the same. In fact I encourage them to find the toy aisle and pick out ANYTHING they want. Matthew had a devil of a time choosing between FLARP and a 6 foot rubber snake. ( the snake won out in case you were wondering).

Yes, I know the shower curtains they sell are 2 inches shorter than standard ones, effectively diverting all water to the bathroom floor but HEY it was only a dollar and because it was ONLY A DOLLAR,  I bought the bath mat to go along. And who cares if the bathmat is made out of some type of polyester/nylon hybrid that absorbs no liquid at all, IT TOO WAS ONLY A DOLLAR ! Yes,  I am also aware the flashlights don't really work, but I have plenty of candles anyway ( St Michael is my personal favorite)  and I actually prefer candles when we lose power. Okay- So who knew the irregular socks meant they have no elastic in the top, at least there are no holes in the  bottom, and did I mention it was three pairs for A  DOLLAR? ( well maybe more like 2 and a half pairs but whose counting?)

Look- if you're gonna keep up complaining I don't know what to tell you.  You certainly are picky.As for me- I am happy with my cheap splurges that haven't broken any banks (I'll let the government continue to do that job). Look, I have to run  now and watch My Three Sons- even if it is on VHS and we don't have a VHS player any more- it doubles as a coaster . 

 Try not to forget- IT WAS ONLY A DOLLAR!

This attachment was sent to me from my son Peter. I have no idea where he gets his sense of humor:

Good News

A few weeks back I posted about the lump I found in my mouth. I didn't really have the nerve to post what happened after that first bit as things got a little bit bumpier around here . I guess today though its time to catch you all up. After the first go round with my dentist I went back ten days later for the follow-up. The little lump was still there. It took him all of 4 seconds to decide I should have someone else take a look. Probably an oral surgeon.

"Its probably nothing, but you might as well have it checked out just to be sure."

GULP I answered with my biggest smile.

When I came home that night I decided I would ignore the good doctors advice. Hey, it was probably nothing anyway right?

Well, a few days later the lump started to grow. Lickety split I got on the phone and made an appointment with an oral surgeon for the following week.

So on the Ides of March I went in for my consultation. ( You do remember the whole "BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH" thing from High school don't you? Julius Caesar got whacked "Et Tu Brute?")

The nice oral surgeon came into the room. His name; Dr Zwack. ( You just can't make this stuff up folks)

One strangely reassuring thing for me was that he was short. Short men make me comfortable. My Dad was short, my husband is short, I think I just like the the efficient packaging of a short man. They know their business and they aren't all puffed up. I know there  are plenty of good tall men too,feel free to think well of them for me.

So, Dr Zwack asks me why I was there, and I give a brief explanation. He begins to tell me it is probably a blocked salivary gland, sort of like a kidney stone in my mouth, and says its probably nothing to worry about. He then tells me to open my mouth.

Peering inside He says "No- thats not it"

and then he uses the word "BIOPSY" and suddenly I am the dog Ginger in  the Far Side Gallery cartoon who can hear nothing at all save that word.

I make my appointment for the following week and return to the waiting room.

Fred asks how it went. I respond "I'm glad he is short"

Fred gets offended.  We argue about how tall he actually is. I repeatedly tell him I like short men. Did I mention  the BIOPSY word yet?

We go home. I convince myself I already have cancer. I try to figure out what food I ate that actually gave me cancer. I make up my mind that it's a toss up between the diet coke and the carcinogenic popcorn. Blast that popcorn!

I tell Jesus if he'll just cure me of this cancer, I promise I will never eat popcorn again and I will swear off all forms of diet coke forever too.  I decide that particular prayer is a bit shallow,even for me, and quickly scrap it until I decide on the right prayer formula to make God change his mind.

We pack for North Carolina. We go on vacation.Before leaving I tell a few folks and quietly ask for prayers. The trip was a wonderful distraction except for the fact I know I will have to have a BIOPSY on Monday when I return.

I decide to pray a bit more. The second round of prayer goes a bit better but I continue to barter with God. "If I can just have ten more years which would make Sophie 11-I think I Fred could handle it at that point."
I figure out that the problem with wrestling with God is he always has his hands occupied on the cross. This should make a deeper impression on me than it does, but of course I am thinking too much about my mouth.
Monday comes and I go in for the BIOPSY. It takes all of 5 minutes.

I eat only soft food for the next 4 days. On my way out I ask when I'll have the results. "lets see"  the secretary says "you can come back in 11 days, on April 1st!" a perky smile spreading across her face. My own face is stuffed with gauze and  as I smile back I drool on her desk.

Not only do I have to wait 11 days, but my results  will come in on April Fools Day? This is beginning to feel like a conspiracy.

I go home and pray some more.
This time I realize God is not a divine vending machine. I do not pull a lever and get the answer I want, nor do I kick and swear if an item gets stuck and then beat on the glass till it gives me what I wanted. He is also not out to get me. Neither is cancer.
This time when I pray I realize he loves me.It's that simple.
 I have a father in heaven who loves me.
At some point I stop thinking about my mouth and actually ask how He is these days.
Turns out that whole "Not my will but yours " is a pretty important part of prayer.

This morning I woke up nervous- but not terribly nervous.
When I got to the office no one looked at me funny or whispered as I walked by. I figured that was a good sign. Dr. Zwack came in smiling. He told me it was benign.( not cancer)
Apparently, there was some trauma to my mouth and one of my glands needed to be removed. Nothing serious but it wouldn't have healed on its own so it was a good thing he did the BIOPSY anyway.
I breathed a sigh of relief, genuinely.For all of you who prayed and who care, many heartfelt thanks.
 On the way out Fred said we should celebrate and asked me what I'd most like.
Naturally, I asked for a diet coke and some popcorn.