Hello, Hello, Hello!

The title of this post was my Dad's normal welcome to any entering his house. He died twenty-two years ago today and I have been sad all day today thinking about him. Anniversary's don't normally 'get me' too much, likely because life is pretty busy most days and I am mostly trying to keep my head above water. Not sure why today was different, but it was. Could be because my Mom has had a long year recovering from her stroke, or because my brother Greg continues to battle cancer, or maybe I just have a wee bit more time on my hands now that Lolo is potty trained. It doesn't much matter. When sadness comes, it comes. 

I am not trying to run from it though. I actually want to sit down with the feelings ( hence the blog post) and feel them all over again. That stinging sensation the heart feels at the loss of one so dear, the tears that don't want to be wiped away  because they show the world what the soul is feeling. At forty two, I want to miss my Dad. I want to wish once again that he had met my Fred, or danced with me on my wedding day, or held my children proudly in his arms. I want to hear him laugh loudly and see him smile broadly. I want to grieve him all over again today, like it just happened.

One memory has hovered about me all day. It was late in the day in the middle of Winter, when I must have been about twelve  or thirteen years old and walked up to our attic to watch my father working on a scaffold plastering a ceiling. The radio was playing in the background and he was busy working, but must have sensed my need to talk ( and teenage girls always need to talk) and so he climbed down for a while and we sat together and chatted. In the course of that conversation we happened upon thoughts of his Mother and I asked a simple, innocent question of him : "Dad, Do you still miss your Mom?" He shook his head yes, and then said nothing for a while, and soon after he began to cry, and then so did I. 

I didn't cry that evening for a grandmother I never knew, but for my father who still ached so long afterwards. I couldn't understand it that day,that lingering grief, though I thought of it many times trying to unlock the mystery of how it could still hurt.

 I do understand it now, from the inside out. I understand that it actually hurts more- not less with time, but I also know that the ache that grows instead of shrinks is a lasting memory of love. Its is a memory I want to keep until we meet again.

And  yes, by golly, today- I still miss my father. 

May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. 

Mary Turns Six

new dresses from Aunt Hilary

This is hard for me to believe, but my little Mary Joan turned six today! I think its hard to believe because I am still getting used to having daughters, instead of just sons, and yet that happened six years ago already. Wow. She is such a little sweetie.We celebrated with new dresses from Aunt Hilary ( and Mary insisted we take pictures right away as Aunt Hil wanted to see us!) We watched Matilda, Mary was allowed to choose any dinner she liked best and decided on Happy Meals for everyone ( Oh well, it made the little ones night) Not only did she smile happily at every present, she actually shared them and seemed glad to do so. Mary has turned our world upside down and in every way we are better for it. Here are some shots of the party and games that followed.  Happy Birthday Mary!

waiting for her cake

Sarah and LoLo helped decorate

Pony!

we played pass the parcel, musical chairs, and dead fish

Nap Time

Neither Fred nor I are nap people. I don't take naps, though I am not opposed to others doing so. Fred would never need to nap; just wind him up and he is good for about 20 hours. I, on the other hand feel tired plenty, but I just don't take naps. Today reminded me why. I woke early, said my prayers, went for a run, fed the girls breakfast and began school. The boys woke slightly later today, so I let them take their time waking and eating before they entered the classroom. I managed to finish most of the little ones just before noon and then headed to mass. I came home swallowed something ( don't remember what-seriously) and then headed back in, to complete schooling with the rest of the kids. 

Somewhere around 2 pm my head started throbbing. I did my best to wish it away before taking some Tylenol. By 2:45 school was complete but my head was simply splitting. I  decided that maybe if I just slept for a few minutes it might help. So I put on a show and settled the  kids and climbed onto the couch to close my eyes. As I began to drift off I thought to myself "Gee this is so nice, I wonder why I never do this???" 20 minutes later Sarah started fighting with one of her brothers and I was awake. But thats OK, I was only looking for a few minutes and I actually got it! 

I stood up to go check on the dinner which was really starting to smell good by this point. As I rounded the corner I spied Lo lo on a chair in front of the pantry. The ENTIRE floor, table, chairs were covered in a white powder. Mixed in with the white powder was speckles of colors. Horrified I stepped closer to find one whole bag of confectioners sugar, and one whole bag of flour virtually empty, next to them lay a small jar of multi colored sprinkles. 

Of course my memory was sharp as a tack by this point, flooding me with memories of Andrew  getting into food coloring at 2 years old, and Peter powdering himself  with 30 ounces of baby powder at 3 years old.  Right, I actually learned something from those good ole days. If you fall asleep on the job- all mishaps are your own fault! 

Some of you wonderful people have children that are normal. I do not. If I close my eyes for 20 minutes I am doomed. 

Next time I'll brew a pot of coffee.

Big Changes

I didn't want to post this until I was really sure and we were a few weeks into it. (No- I am not pregnant). BUT our darling little Lo Lo is pretty much potty trained! Maybe that seems like a small accomplishment to you,but the magnitude of this could not get much bigger in my life currently. I have just potty trained my tenth child. I don't have any diapers in my house, and I haven't in 2 weeks. I also don't have a crib, a high chair,  a changing table or a bottle anywhere in sight. 

If those numbers haven't impacted you yet, maybe these figures will help you understand a bit better. Fred and I have changed approximately 60,552 diapers in our life. No I am not joking.Yes there are apps for this on the internet. Some of my kids were relatively easy to train, others were not. The approximate cost for this winds up being about 16 grand. OUCH! (When parents look at brazen little teenagers, who think they know everything, and wonder what their parents have ever done for them; diapers are what parents think back on.)

For those eco-conscious friends of mine out there, I should also mention that I started out using cloth and only moved on to disposable when no one could decided which was worse for the environment in the great diaper debate. As far as I know, the verdict is still out .If you'd like to know what I think as the wise mother of ten children - it is ALL completely toxic.Far worse than nuclear waste. None of it could possibly be good for the environment, or any of our health, NO ONE should ever have to change a diaper in their entire life- particularly if they happen to be pregnant with another child at the time-and feeling nauseous- or unable to eat -or suffering from a stomach flu- or a headache-or insomnia-or any of the million awful inconveniences in our ordinary days. Diapers are one of those incredibly unfair parts of life. And I was dealt a particularly difficult hand. But all that is-a-changing!( did ya get it...changing???)

I am not sure what I will do with all the extra time and money, but I am open to ideas. 

I am seriously happy and very proud of LoLo!

v>

Oh Deere

We said Goodbye to our John Deere backhoe today, after seven years. Truth is, Fred bought it before he ever spoke to me about the purchase which caused countless arguments between us. I never felt we needed it, he couldn't imagine getting along without it. We finally agreed he would keep it for six months and then he HAD to get rid of it. Six months was long enough to get whatever projects he wanted done around here- in my opinions anyway.

The following week Fred tried it out for the first time. He got in, started her up and began driving around trying to dig, or scoop, or push at anything he could in our yard. After a couple of hours I looked out the window to spot a look I knew,but didn't like, on my husbands face. I was pregnant with Michael at the time ,and trudged out onto our front lawn just as he was nervously hopping down off the machine. We stood facing each other for 15 seconds before Fred announced "I made a mistake, I can't handle this machine. I should never have bought it Elle." If you know Fred, you know these are words that do not easily come from his lips. And so words that didn't come easily from mine poured out next " No, you didn't make a mistake. It'll be fine. Its just going to take you some time to get used to handling it. Soon enough it'll feel easy, just be patient with yourself."

And then we parted ways and didn't speak about it anymore that day, or for many days afterwards when he would go out and climb in and play around. It did in fact take Fred some time to feel confident using it. I cannot tell you that I enjoyed the many Saturdays when the John Deere stole Fred for whole afternoons from me, but I will tell you that I firmly believed it was building Fred in ways he needed to be built up. He needed to conquer it, and that he did. He shaped out yard, dug foundations, put in our in-ground pool, and took down a few trees,in between giving the kids rides over the years.

It hasn't been running so great lately and so when he mentioned he was thinking of getting rid of it, I took it the same way I have taken it every time he has said so in the last seven years. But he really meant it this time, even though I didn't realize it. In fact the very first person he mentioned it to was over lickety split to buy it. He picked it up today and now our yard is empty.

Funny thing is, I think I miss it more than Fred. I'm not sure why. Maybe its because it taught Fred something about himself he didn't know he could handle, but I was sure of. Who knows maybe I'll be the one to buy our next piece of heavy equipment- without asking.