Lord, that I might see

 I've been undergoing an unusual cross of late. My eyes started giving me trouble a few months ago. Looking back, I see that its been longer still that the symptoms started to first appear. First there was an itchiness, then redness and burning, which eventually gave way to soreness, strain, blurriness, spots and floaters. About 3 weeks ago I finally made my way to an opthomalogist friend who diagnosed me with a few small problems creating a medium size problem for me. 

The medium sized problem was actually a large problem for my soul. It made my anxiety, which up until now has been well managed, really spiral out of control. So I have found myself climbing out of bed each morning and clawing my way forward through the day- a sensation I felt certain I had conquered long ago, I am now revisiting. With my usual gusto I decided I would meet the challenge and tackle both my eye issues and anxiety issue simultaneously and get back "in control" of them. 

It turns out that God has other lessons he desires I learn.

 Yesterday, the dam broke when I realized that the anxiety medication I had wanted to try would exaccerbate my eye trouble ( by drying them out further) and that my eye trouble would then exaccerbate my anxiety ( by making me fear a blind future). When I threw everything I had at my problems full force, I saw I had created a great big loop of troubles and nothing more. I had been absolutely useless. 

Almost imediately inside I felt like something in me broke. 

And in that brokenness, I felt myself surrender. 

I surrendered to God. I took my whole problem and stopped trying to fix it and instead just sat with it and accepted it for what it was. You'd think I would've wept or despaired, but no. I did plenty of that in the weeks and months leading up to it. Instead I found the very strangest of things inside of me- hope. 

This morning, I woke up hopeful. I have no answers, no new solutions, but a brand new self knowledge to guide me forward. I can see that God has lovingly given  me this cross because he trusts me with it. He knows I will bring good out of my cross as he has out of his. That good is meant for my salvation and it hurts, at times terribly, but is necessary. This cross is largely invisible to the world. My eyes look fine so no one, even if I tell them, can really understand how my world has changed. Picking up a book or my phone to read has been an agony some days. it feels so perfectly designed to be my cross that I know it is by intention. I suppose there is a strange comfort in that. God knows me so well that he knows exactly what a cross for me looks and feels like in order to be meritorious. 

I also know that talk is cheap. For a long time I thought I knew what "we walk by faith, not by sight" meant. Now, I know I actually walk by sight and that my faith is weak indeed. Only when my physical eyes offered me spots and distortions, pain and worry, could I connect to how spiritually blind I am too. How often have I stumbled spiritually because I live too much attached to the world and what happens tomorrow or next week or next year, when spiritually I have neglected my eternity. If I worried half as much over my spiritual vision, as I have over my physical vision I'd be a saint by now. 

Naturally, I begin to see the meaning in the myriad passages of the gospel that speak on vision now- almost daily the words vision and sight comes up in the readings. How have I missed it all this time? I took it for granted, is how. The richness of the stories is becoming a new found treasure. 

In my recollection I take the position of blind Bartimaeus. Sitting by the roadside begging "Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me". I thought what needed healing was my eyes, but God saw further. "What wilt that have me do unto thee?" is the question he poses to Bartimaeus and to me, so I ask along with him "Lord, that I might see". And because he is faithful, he has allowed me to see that my spiritual blindness is far greater than my troubled eyes. 

Immediately after recieveing his sight, we are told that Bartimaeus, followed Jesus, in the way. 

And so must I begin, in faith. 

Again. 

The path is forward

I haven't written in a long time. Life catches up with you. The good thing about keeping a blog is that it is always there, just a keystroke away. So here I am sitting quietly in my living room after midnight,the only quiet time I ever get, approaching our last week of school for the 2020 year in the midst of a pandemic.


And I am well.

I write that last sentence not as a boast,but  because it is hard for me to believe it is true. You see, for the last 10+ years, I have suffered on and off from an anxiety disorder. I get, at times, crippling panic attacks. I worry. I shut down. I shake. I cry. I think and think until I can't think anymore and my brain exhausts itself. Never one to pretend things that are happening to me aren't really true,  I have always been honest with my family and friends about my anxiety. I also spent a few years in counseling working my way through my own brain and how to manage the hiccups and tantrums it sometimes throws at me. Occasionally with medicine,though mostly without. In the last year or so, my anxiety had notably decreased. Not gone, but I really knew how to handle it now and that is genuinely something to be happy about.

Then the pandemic hit. And I waited for my whole life to fall apart. Surely, someone so prone to panic woulod succumb to the infernal treachery of this awful pandemic? I would most definitely suffer setbacks, right? But that didn't happen. Instead I found myself able to move through and cope and reason with my daily life in ways I had never dreamed  possible before.It appears that 10+ years of anxiety has innoculated me.

The more I spoke with family and friends, the more I realized that the whole world was having  a worldwide panic attack, only they didn't have the tools to deal with it, because it was new to all of them, but not to me and my anxious brain. Person afte person would call and ask how I was and I would tell them and ask in return, only to be met with existential fear and uncertainty. I was stunned- not because I didn't understand, but because I understood so deeply!

That angst I had felt for so long....the questions that linger and hang over your mind....the doubts about tomorrow....or next week....or next year....the scenarios that play on you about work, and children and health and faith....gosh they can be tormenting. Suddenly they were on everyones lips, but not my own.

For ten years I would muster the courage to say things out loud like ....

What if I get cancer and die?

What will I do if one of my kids die?

What will happen if my husband dies?

What will become of my kids if I die?

What if the church continues to collapse?

What if there is no more work?

What if someone in my family doesn't die but gets terribly hurt?

what if there is an economic collapse?

what if???

what if???

what if???

If you have suffered anxiety, you know how debilitating it can be. If you have not, you may be getting a taste of it right now and I'm sure you'll agree its brutal.

So here are some things I have learned that may be of help to you right now. They are all simple and you've heard them before, but maybe haven't yet actually tried them. The path through this pandemic is going to look for you and me, alot like the path out of anxiety. That path is forward.

First- take a deep breath. I mean right now. While you're reading take a deep breath and recognize that you are actually breathing. That means you're alive and when youre brain is telling you the world is going to end, and the media is helping it out, its good to remember those very basic things.

Next- ask yourself what you are most afraid of and get yourself to say it out loud to another human being. Holding your fears in the dark is not helpful. Shine some light on them. I used to worry that if I said them out loud they'd be more likely to come true, but that turns out to be a lie. So go ahead and name things, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.


Next, ask yourself what your job is for this day. Not tomorrow, not next week. When you are suffering anxiety, its is ridiculously important to stay in the moment as anxiety is a time stealer. It robs you of your present and future by borrowing and inserting troubles that don't belong there.

Once you figure out what your job is for this day- begin. You don't have to do all of it, but begin. Take small steps. Focus on the task at hand. Make a dinner. Do some laundry. Make the bed. Teach one lesson. Go for a walk. Keep moving forward. Anxiety can trap us if we allow it to. That usually happens when we are idle. Our minds wander and soon enough we are imagining worst case scenarios. Just do the next right thing.

Be courageous. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I had to actually face my fears in order to get through them. There is no other way. The monster under the bed needs looking at to be proved he is not there. Tell someone what you are afraid and figure out what dealing with it looks like.

Are you afraid of lost work?- okay- taht is real, maybe you've lost your job. Thats awful and you need to feel upset and sad and acknowledge that- but also think of a game plan for when you may be able to find somthing new, or change fields, or do something temporary until things look better. The point being not to let oneawful thing defeat you, or have a snowball effect on your whole life. Take a sgtep forward and confront that fear and you'lll make progress. If you stand up to one fear and start working on it, in time it may resolve or a new opportunities may open up. Begin with setting a plan.

Don't try to do it by yourself. One of my greatest strengths while I was dealing with anxiety was being able to acknowledge it to others, and even laugh about it. It takes the sting out of so much when you can crack a joke at your own expense as we all take ourselves too seriously.Talking to my family and friends has literally saved me countless times ( THANK YOU!) over the years.

Pray. Remember that God has a plan for your life. He is ordered and precise, and most importantly, He is on your team. He wants to see you succeed. It is not a mistake that He has allowed to you to be born in this place and time, it is His design. Trust that He knows what He is doing and that He can bring order our of the chaos of your life and of your brain.

You have this day. Be not afraid. Enter it with joy. The world around you needs you!